The Very Secret Diary of Squire Alanna of Trebond
by Anna de Boullans
Summary: Alanna's VSD (written months ago), in the style of Bridget Jones, ItHotG. It's bloody shaggable, really. One shot, written for the Dove challenge.


**Disclaimer: Tortall belongs to Tammy, the style is inspired by the fabbity fab Helen Fielding.**

**THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ALANNA OF TREBOND****  
****ITHOTG EDITION**  
  
**April 10**  
  
Was quite surprised to be approached by Goddess in middle of woods. Wonderful. Apparently I am in dire need of self-actualization. They aren't completely abnormal fears, are they?  
  
1. The Chamber of the Ordeal. Completely understandable. Everyone in right mind afraid of that place.  
2. Men. But in the romantic sense. Maybe I have become genuine commitmentphobe. Must start hanging around with females more often.  
3. Roger. Ick.  
  
Anyway, she gave me some tacky stone and a kitten. Gods help me. Definitely do not have time for cat.  
  
**April 11**  
  
Jon and Co. came in, were v. obnoxious about the new cat. They were proposing completely ridiculous asshat names for it until I finally suggested Faithful to shut them all up.  
  
It was v. good night at Dancing Dove. Only had 2 drinks as I didn't want to be carried back to palace.  
  
**May 19  
  
Rain**. No bloody cheer in this place. Am finally fifteen, making me feel even younger than ever.  
  
Faithful does not like Roger v. much. Good kitty. Am highly suspecting that Alex is in league with Roger, but can't say anything as Jon and Co. like him v. much.  
  
**July 2**  
  
Fought some impertinent Tusaine knight earlier, and thoroughly beat him. Bloody lout deserved it. Flouting the rules of chivalry just because he could. Honestly, what happened to honor and valor and all that?  
  
**August 20**  
  
Is official. George wants to shag me. What a perv. Couldn't keep his bloody hands (or lips, for that matter) off of me.  
  
Shirt Thom gave Jon for birthday v. tacky.  
  
**August 21**  
  
Delia of Eldorne is a slut. Who does she bloody think she is, simpering over Jon like that?  
  
Not that I like Jon or anything.  
  
**January 16**  
  
I hate the bloody cold, and Roger is trying to kill me. Bloody brilliant, I say. How typical. He sent a boar to maul me to death. Unoriginal, in my opinion.  
  
I need a good, stiff drink.  
  
**March 17**  
  
Have decided once and for all that Alex is doing business with Roger. He tried to kill me today, but I saw it coming.  
  
Myles has v. good timing.  
  
**April 21**  
  
George still wants to shag me. V. irritating. He needs to self-actualize v. badly. And not burden me so much with his lack of self-actualization, because it is so v. tiring.  
  
On the plus side, he gave me a bit of information that might have started a war. Bloody good time!  
  
**May 5**  
  
Tusaine. Wet and miserable outside. George again tried to shag me before we left, but I was blunt and ordered him to self-actualize first.  
  
As Jon's squire, I look after his armor and such. He looks v. good in it.  
  
**June 10**  
  
As am not allowed to fight, I went to help Duke Baird in hospital. It was v. disgusting, and I threw up afterwards. Jon was right there to reassure me. He has v. nice legs.  
  
**July 1**  
  
Big battle. Used my Gift to help Big Thor die, fell asleep for three days. Magic is v. tiring. Don't know how Thom does it.  
  
Woke up, Jon kissed me. He is quite shaggable.  
  
Oh gods, am turning into a female George. Must stop! Must self-actualize!  
  
**July 29**  
  
Am in Tusaine prison with biggest asshole of all time as jailer. Duke Hilam is in serious need of therapy. Think he is v. insecure because of short stature.  
  
Or maybe he's just compensating for something. Oh, here come rescuers!  
  
**November 8**  
  
Went to Mistress Cooper's earlier as part of plan to heighten self-esteem. I need to feminize myself, as am becoming totally commitment-phobic, just like male counterparts.  
  
**November 15**  
  
Change in status: both Jon and George want to shag me. Am I really that shaggable? I haven't gotten these vibes from other men.  
  
Then again, those other men think I'm a man, and therefore would not be too keen to shag me unless severely drunk.  
  
**December 20**  
  
Hunting after some wolf. Roger definitely wants me dead. His magic is a tacky shade of orange.  
  
**May 14**  
  
Happy seventeenth birthday to me. On a good note, finally shagged Jon today.  
  
On a bad note, nothing!!! Am a full- blown sex goddess!!!  
  
**December 31**  
  
Hate bloody ice skating. Is a v. stupid sport. On a side note, Roger tried to kill me via Alex.  
  
Did nothing to damper my emancipated, sex goddess spirit.  
  
**April 3**  
  
City of the Gods. George insisted upon escorting me, probably because he still wants to bloody shag me. He thinks I am in love with Jon. I wanted to say, "I'm not in love with Jon, just sleeping with him," but then realized this would be v. cruel and vindictive. Plus, George is rather fit. If the Jon thing doesn't work out, I've always got a fallback.  
  
Thom looking v. strange.  
  
**April 5**  
  
In an inn. George shot with arrows meant for me. V. romantic. Roger at it again. Tacky orange fire everywhere.  
  
**May 14**  
  
Am swamped by presents. Am so popular.  
  
**June 1**  
  
Told Gary that I am a girl. Am afraid he also wants to shag me now.  
  
**December 24**  
  
Survived Chamber. Knighted. Revealed Roger. Dueled Roger. Was revealed to be a girl by Roger. Killed Roger. Shocked court. V. fun. What else is new?  
  
**December 26**  
  
Am off to desert. Ta ta!

A/N: This was written ages ago, but I hadn't thought to post it until now. Whoops.


End file.
